New Year

Happy New Year!! And so begins a new year. Big deal (and that’s not sarcasm). These major transitions of dates fascinate me. I dunno why. Like my birthday and new year. I just love watching the date change. Sometimes I even find myself watching everyday dates change and the clock striking 12.

Last New Year’s eve I was at my boss’s farm party and then we went to a mall and hung out for a while there and I returned home sneakily ;) It was fun. This New Year’s Eve was ordinary. I really like the idea of celebrating the change of years but never quite have done it except in 2011 I guess when a cousin was over and we did the countdown, cheered and hugged each other. This time I’m on my own, sitting in my blankie, tapping away at the keyboard. I always want to do something special to celebrate New Year. Perhaps I will get to celebrate it at least some time in my life. Joking about being at Times Square on New Year, maybe one day I will be there.  

So let’s have the year 2012 in review. It started off good as I got an excellent increment. After that, it was all downhill from there. Things at work place were out of control and crazy, getting better only around October. Had a tough time at the university, getting nothing much in return. There were some things which hurt me badly, with no words to describe what I passed through. Some revelations which shook me through, tore at my heart. But I did survive so I guess what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And that’s what has happened. I have learned about people more than any other time in my life, even more than 2011; about different kinds of people, about how to be around them, about how to deal with them. I have not perfected everything I’ve learned but at least I have some additions in my knowledge. This has been the most educational year of my life. I have had grim experiences which have taught me a lot and I have learned to tough all of them out. I feel old but not wise because I have made mistakes and bad choices. I’m hoping there are other things too which I learned in this year and they do me good later on in life. Unfortunately, I do not seem to recollect any major achievement in 2012. But I guess if I have survived another year, I did achieve something after all and even the worst wasn’t too bad.

A friend asked me what my New Year’s resolutions were and I told her I’ve been trying to think of some for two days now but honestly I have not really succeeded. Even if I did, they wouldn’t really work anyway. Besides, if there is something life has taught me, it’s that I cannot plan anything. So if I say I’ll do this in 2013 or I want to do that in 2013, that’s sort of planning, expecting, wishing – all the things I try my best not to do. But here’s a word ’try’. That I can do – for everything I want and everything I wish.

I don’t know what this year holds for me, I’m not really looking forward to anything, not really planning anything. Just hoping I see good times for myself and my family, achieve something, be good to people, try to be a better person, have fun, work hard, learn more, explore, groom myself, experience new stuff and last but not the least, find a better purpose to life. I will continue to dream big, will keep on fantasizing no matter how absurd because there is no cost and no harm in that. I will also make a lot of mistakes and I will somehow justify them like always, but not without learning from them too. Lastly, if there are lemons in store for me this year, I have a lemon squeezer ready in my hand to make lemonade. If there is any achievement or happiness waiting for me, I’ll cheer for it, cherish it and be grateful for it.   

Toast to an eventful 2012, and to a surprises-filled 2013.

God bless us all!

Smiling in Stress

I read a post in Yahoo news once and it had the title "Smiling in Stress". It caught my eye and made me curious as to what may be written in it. It said that if you are under stress and are depressed, there is one exercise that can help a lot. Try smiling. It is sure to make you feel better. Luckily (for the sake of having to prove it right perhaps), it was another one of those days when i was terribly pissed and totally stressed out. Still in the same position and while still looking at that window on my computer screen, i tried to smile. I remember experiencing an effort to move my lips muscles but i smiled and that actually made me feel better.

I was surprised, if not amazed, at how smiling was an effort in my gloom but how it has suddenly made me feel better. I haven't bothered going into the science of it but i guess when your face is all contorted with stress and you make an effort to change your expression, it works as a distraction - a welcome distraction, might you want to try it sometime.

Making excuses: Why guys really leave the 'committed' girls

All the excuses we wish we hadn’t heard.

My parents will disown me. We aren’t from the same caste/sect/biradari. You’re too good for me. I’m too young to settle down. I have to marry someone from my family …. These are just a few things men say when they want to leave you high and dry. Here’s why they refuse to stick to the truth.

“I havent heard your voice in ten days. Where are you?” she squeaks, struggling to control the hysteria she’s felt in the last few days, aware that she sounds like a petulant child about to throw a tantrum. She swallows the lump in her throat — the one that refuses to go away — as she hears him breathe through the phone.
“I don’t know how to tell you this … but I just found out something,” he says with the flourish of an actor.
A pregnant pause. She doesn’t ask — she already knows what’s coming her way. She can literally feel it in her bones.

“It’s tuberculousis … I have tuberculosis,” he says, almost trying to make himself believe what he has just said.

An excuse, a horribly heartless one at that. Made intentionally horrible in order for her to hate him more — and possibly move on.

“But tuberculosis isn’t fatal. It’s like totally curable, you know that!”her voice comes out shriller than she expected.

Even at 19, she fully realises the extent and stupidity of his crap. She wants to call him on it; she wants to rage.

Instead she cries: she should’ve known, she should’ve seen it coming, she should’ve expected this mess.  She cries because that’s all she can do.

She shouldn’t have asked him to commit.


**************
That’s not my story but it might as well be because, like other girls, I too was handed these excuses — usually after a long-winded courtship filled with promises of marriage.

For most Pakistani girls, the end of a relationship can be particularly devastating because these relationships are mostly considered illicit and almost always kept secret from family.

So when they break down, you have no one to run to and take cover.


But the purpose of this article is not to whine about how bad it feels and how it destroys your self-esteem.
It is to understand why men prolong these relationships and keep the girl hanging by a thread of hope.

It is to figure out what’s really going on in their confused, sometimes emotionless, heads.


So I go searching for my experimental specimen (single men) at — where else? — a coffee shop.

I approach with some trepidation two good-looking guys watching a match, almost afraid they’ll run away like cockroaches when I present my thesis question. It’s not an easy one.

Most Pakistani guys and girls hate admitting that they’ve actually dated. And who really wants to share the details of their relationships with the world?

I put my cards on the table and promise complete anoymity, they smile back as if they’ve seen my type — the angry feminist writer who badly wants to save women.

One of the guys — I notice his striking blue eyes — puts down his sandwich when I ask why men get into relationships and break them off. “Most of us think short term. If it’s fun right now and gets me through the day, why not date her?” he says easily.

“But most women start planning too early. Before I’ve even popped the question, they’ve decided on the honeymoon location and named our babies. So when your expectations aren’t met, resentment builds on both sides. And a push and pull war begins: the more she pushes, the more you pull away,” he continues.


As another man walks in with his laptop, I say my goodbyes to the two guys and stride towards my new guinea pig. He tells me that the ‘excuse’ is the last resort. “When I’m not serious about a girl, I’m constantly giving her very obvious and intentional signs. Now it’s her prerogative to back off. If she still plays along, I take it that she’s not serious either. Or either very naive. She expects me to change but if I wanted to change for her, I would’ve done that already.”

I ask him why men won’t just come out and tell the truth. “Because I don’t want to come across as insensitive. And women can’t handle the truth — the truth always hurts more. And then there’s so much crying. That’s the hardest to handle.”

So what should a girl look out for? The one sign that tells her that it’s going to end soon, that heartbreak is just around the corner. “Waning interest. If a guy constantly blows hot and cold, it means he just fits you in his attention span when he’s got time,” says one guy.

Another says, “If he becomes overly secretive, if he constantly keeps a part of his life hidden, he’s possibly sharing that part with someone else. Take notice of small things: if he keeps his phone with him all the time, even takes it to the loo with him — he’s got some texts to hide.”

While girls waste so much time thinking over and rationalising what guys say – in the end it just boils down to one thing, excuse or no excuse, ‘’they just werent that into us”. So maybe we should try and not get to the point that we’re even fed the excuse. We should be the ones to walk away well before that happens.

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, November 11^th, 2012.

In addition, guys are only in for the thrill - the thrill that comes from trying to win over a girl who is playing hard to get. And once she falls for the trap and things start to get real, guys back off. Most of the times it's only the physical attraction for guys that makes them go bonkers for a girl and it takes as long as fulfilling their carnal fantasies that guys show love (where it's actually lust or infatuation) or make efforts to run after a girl. After that, it all starts to get boring for them and they are out on a new hunt!

Sticky Note Scrapbook

Times change. All you are left with are the bittersweet memories. 

Myself: second ever

From Saadia: Mocking Super Mario saying 'please' with everything

From Nouman: Don't remember what was he thanking me for

From Nouman: Don't really remember what he gave me

From Mehwish: Don't really remember what she's thanking me for

From Hasan: While he was leaving and gave it that it might be useful someday

From Amna: When i told her no one would come to my birthday party because I'm unimportant

From Hasan: When i wouldn't log in so as to avoid talking to anyone

From Nouman: He had his eyelash hair stuck with tape on the inside

Gave it to Hasan which he gave me back. Mean

Again, made it for Hasan and he gave it back. Double mean

From Mehwish: When she gave me a 'Go Party' badge. Cute :)

From Hasan: protesting, as usual, against the sticky note culture

From Nouman: Don't quite remember what he was thanking me for

From Nouman: Something he calls all his girlfriends

From Nouman: Because we both loved evil Stewie

From Amna: Made one for everyone

From Saadia: Made one for everyone

From Nouman: Random

From Nouman: Random

From Amna: the time she started loving this

From Nouman: after a quarrel

Myself

Myself: explains so much

From Amna: That has to be one of the sweetest

First ever from Nouman: turned out he didn't mean it

From Nouman: Random

From Sana: my caricature o_O

From Amna: When she couldn't remember the exact date of my birthday

From Sana

From Javaid: when he couldn't bring the food i asked him to bring

From Amna: explains it

Mona Lisa Gets Her Ass Beaten Up

Some really hilarious pictures i found.

My Birthday 2012

I turned 23 today. Couldn't wait to get older. 23 is kinna old and now i feel weird. From August 01 i start having this sweet feeling that this is my month and somehow i find everything sweet about it. I may be the kind of person who downplay themselves in front of others but i love myself because however i am, good or bad, only i can love myself unconditionally and only i can understand myself.

I love my birthday. It's a special day for me and i love to spend it with myself but i hardly do. I'm the queen of my own world on 20th August, celebrating the day i came in this world. I'm unique like every other human being. I have so many flaws, i hold so many pains and secrets in my heart, I have seen so much, my life is still not on a smooth track but today it all comes down to me giving credit to myself for coming this far; looking back at an eventful life and looking forward into an opaque future. How far have i come; what have i seen i life; what failures and successes i have experienced, its nice to contemplate all this on this day. But i don't think i really sit down and give it a serious thought but it would be great if i do.

23rd birthday was unique. Had it on Eid day though i got no text messages at 12 as all the networks were jammed. Kicked the day off with my family and it was great with all the presents i got from them. I felt i don't need more n i didn't feel the absence of not getting wishes from friends.

The day passed doing Eid stuff mainly and getting to know my new iPod Nano, a present from my sister. But as the day is drawing to a close, I'm getting kinna gloomy. I have everything, i got everything but was it enough? Sure that i didn't feel something missing deep down? I wonder if there ever will be someone who will consider this day valuable and will try to make it special for me in his own way. But I'm glad i have a family that makes my birthday special every time.

Happy Birthday to me. I wish the coming year brings me success, peace of mind and happiness that i seek. Amen!

The Good Side of Evil

The situation of power outages is becoming more grim with every passing week, directly proportional to the hot weather. With electricity available only four hours out of the twenty four hours of a day, we are like cripples or a city dweller who is exiled to such a remote village where there are dirt paths instead of roads. So you can imagine how we poor citizens would feel when the electricity comes back after three or four continuous hours of outage. The irony of the situation is that, in an effort to make good the little time we have with electricity, we seem to forget how to utilize it properly and most of the times we do just the first thing that comes in our mind. It shouldn't be regarded as our fault as it is but the dread of having the power go out again anytime that has settled in our minds.

Have your ever heard the good old saying or something of that sort that every bad thing has a good side as well? To tell you the truth, my sole reason for writing this post today is to tell you of a good part that comes with the terrible power outages. When we cannot watch television, use the computer, text a lot (as the batteries will die down with too much usage), sit in different rooms as they are too hot or see anything if not in the moonlight or short-lived battery lights, the whole family just sit together. Discussions begin, going on hours on the go and you are having this inward feeling of how much you needed to catch up with everyone and share stuff. Yes, my point exactly. The power outages are bringing families closer, families whose members were too busy living their mechanic lives with too little time to spend with siblings and parents. Moreover, when you cannot do anything, you tend to just sit idle and admit it or not, it sort of gives you a relaxing time, relaxing unless you are panicking because you have to do some crucial task. 

However, no matter what, nothing can even come close to the losses and helplessness that the country is facing because of our lousy government. For people of a nation, like anywhere else in the world, whose lives are as much connected with and dependent on electricity as though they are powered by electricity themselves, picture the effects. This is especially worse for people who stay at home or work in small setups as offices and institutions usually have huge generators to supply electricity.

So let's just think that it is not 'all' bad and there is some good coming out of this sad situation, if only to divert our minds.

And yes, I'm writing this in one of those few hours i get with electricity :)

Do You Mind?!

The other day I was going home in a rickshaw with a friend and at one time when we stopped at the signal, a man on a bike came up to the rickshaw wala and what followed was very absurd. The man on bike started off by saying,

"Piaray bhai, do you get money for putting that poster up on your vehicle or have you done it on your own?"

Now let me tell you here that the said poster was of one of the two popular competitors involved in the ongoing campaigns for the position of the next Prime Minister. And so the rickshaw wala says that he got Rs. 200 for it. And then Mr. Bike said,

"Why did you do something like that for only Rs. 200? You can go on selling your vehicle for a thing like that? I  don't know why people do that."

I looked at my friend and I had an expression that said "What the fuck!?" From what he said, it was clear that he was a supporter of the other party and also that the rickshaw wala didn't care for all this world's worth who asked him to put some poster up as long as he could get a few bucks for a harmless thing like that. That was the most absurd thing that Mr. Bike did. I mean, degrading some random person on the road when he clearly did not care about it? Do we live in a free country or what! It is fine when you are thrusting your personal views  on the people in your circle but poking strangers on the road? If you do not like a certain thing you see on a road, what right do you have to point it out? It is at this time when you want to say, 'Do You Mind?! I'm living a free life here!'

Another day a few weeks back, I was going on a rickshaw and was biting the skin around my nails. "You shouldn't bite nails you know, that's a bad habit." Yes, that was the rickshaw wala. First, that is pathetic why he was looking at the back from the mirror. Second, 'Do You Mind?! I will fucking do whatever I want. Who are you to point me out?

If you are thinking I'm being like this because I'm discriminating the rickshaw wala, you're wrong and I'm not being harsh in saying that people should mind their own business. He doesn't have the right to point out an unknown girl and I don't have to listen to some unknown person. Creepy!

Realizations Lately

I have been delaying this for a year now. Found it in my archives and I felt sadness.   

Do you ever wonder how transient the life of a human being is? That everything comes to an end sooner or later? That things and situations and events and people never remain the same? From the world history to our own significant/insignificant lives, countless examples can be found. Though the change you are going towards might prove fruitful for you but the pain of passing through the change is what makes everything unsure. Maybe ‘pain’ is a big word for most of the changes in life but there is something, reluctance, a fear, what-ifs etc.

Until now I think this is good, that maybe, just maybe, it will last. But then there are days when I think that there can be a hundred things which can happen to end this. A hundred possibilities. And who could stop them from happening and leaving me at the same place where I was before.

Do you ever wonder how easy or different human beings would be if there was no existence of feelings and emotions? I mean, everywhere we see, everything works on feelings and emotions. The thing that makes it difficult is the fact that we have to use the right ones at the right time and if not, that is where heartbreaks and low morale comes up, don’t you think?

LOL

These are some really funny images I have been saving for so long. I thought of putting them up here.